This is probably going to be the longest work week of my life. I started out ok. As the day progresses my pain proceeds to get worse and worse. Driving home yesterday I literally screamed in my car when pain coarsed through my back. I cried the whole 8 miles home. My arms and legs have been getting more and more tingly and I lost feeling in my right arm for just a little bit too. It’s the weirdest yet scariest feeling to lose sensations. I came home yesterday and immediately laid down on the heating pad for a while just to stop the tears.

Today was a little better but I was non stop busy ALL day. Hell I even worked through my afternoon break. I just had too much to to. Bad I know, but I gotta get through this week. Not acknowledging it, even though that’s kind of impossible, helps me make it.

I’ve been feeling like my limbs might give out on me. It’s not a good feeling at all and the sensation is scary. I know I probably shouldn’t go to work, but I need the money. I still have bills to pay. Marcel’s hours aren’t steady enough for him to take over all the bills. I still need to contribute. I’m scared about what’s going to happen if I miss work if I have to have surgery. I did find out that my accident claim will pay for 70% of my wages up to $3000 a month. What I don’t know is if they pay it up front of if I have to wait until everything is settled. I guess that’s just something else that I’m going to have to call about on Monday. Just when I think I get my emotions settled something else pops up to scare the tarnation out of me.

I managed to get a couple new client projects that will provide some income. I’ll just be storing that money away in case I need it.

PS – I plan to sue. Does anyone know a good lawyer that won’t screw me. I would also prefer one that only gets paid if I win. I think there are some out there. Basically they only get paid if I get paid. I just don’t I have a huge chunk of change to provide a lawyer if my case is only going to be a maybe or a no.

I got the call about my doctor’s appointment with the Neurosurgeon. He wants me to come in on his next available appointment. I have an appointment at 8:15am on 3/18. That’s a week away. I was expecting to have to wait 2 or 3 weeks if not longer before I could get in. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that it’s so soon. I guess the bright side would be he’s not trying to squeeze me in within the next day or 2. Waiting a week has to count for something. Right??? At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I just got back from physical therapy. He was nice enough to review my MRI and the report with me. So I have a bulging disc (which we knew) which is I guess caused by an Annular Tear (which I did not know). It’s the disc between my T8 & T9 vertebrates. Which means it’s really obnoxious to get to. I guess the severrity of it is about 1 step from a ruptured disc. He said from experience there’s not really a way for that type of injury to be fixed with physical therapy. He said even putting me in traction wouldn’t help. My injury just seems to be in one of the most inaccessible places. He kept trying to sound reassuring, trying to put a good spin on things. I felt kind of bad for him. He really wanted to tell me that there was no need for me to have sugery. It’s just not something he could promise. He’s hopeful it can be fixed without it. Maybe with injections or something it can manage the pain and allow for it to heal itself. I was reading some things on the internet, it can take as long as 18 months for a tear to heal itself. I think I’ve reached the point where whatever needs to be done will be done. I still don’t want surgery of course, but if the Doc tells me I have to have it, I’ll do what I have to do. I’m so tired of living in pain. I seriously can’t handle this kind of pain any longer. I mean not only does my back and neck hurt, but I also hurt around into my ribs. I swear it’s almost like it’s spreading.

I’m still not sleeping. I was hurting really bad last night so I took just about every drug they’ve given me. I got about 4 hours of sleep before I woke up. I got out of bed around 2am. Went back not to long after just to lay on the heating pad. I then proceeded to do my normal cat napping until around 8am. Got up, took care of the dog, did some emails and laid back down. I finally gave up and crawled out of bed and into my chair around 11ish. I should be good sleep wise for another 3 or 4 days now.

On a happy note. I was so suprised yesterday. I recieved flowers (no idea who from) and Yael & Robert sent me an Edible Arrangement. Chocolate covered strawberries. It’s like they knew. The gifts provided a much needed smile!!! I also appreciate all my friends who are checking in on me, offering to run errands and/or just willing to let me vent and cry. It’s really nice to know I have support.

Thanks to all and more updates as I get them.

After spending most of my day crying at work on Friday I was finally demanded to go the the ER by my friends. That trip started my scariest ER visit ever. Marcel dropped me off and I went to get myself checked in. My legs kept going numb and tingly and my back was full of a burning hot pain. I was leaking tears and couldn’t seem to stop. They took my vitals then I layed on a heating pad until they could get me into a room. This is one visit I didn’t want to be alone. I was in so much pain. Fortunately this doctor actually seemed to believe me. He checked my charts but still didn’t like the amount of pain I was in. He ordered a full back MRI. 1 IV, 6 drugs and a MRI later it was found that not only do I have the 2 bulging discs in my lower back I also have 1 in the middle of back back. It’s currently positioned to press against my spinal cord. Depending on the position I’m in and how I move it actually presses against the cord. This is what’s been causing the numbness, tingling and weakness in my body. He even went so far as to do a consult with the Neurosurgeon while he was in the OR to find out if I needed immediate surgery or if it was something that could wait a bit. At the moment I’m on bed rest until the 11th.

I think the thing that might have scared me the most when was when the ER doctor said even falling off a stool or tripping could cause the spine to compress and crush my spinal cord. I’m constantly tripping over the animals, hell I almost fell outside in the mud the other day. He told me to consider myself crippled until we can figure out what can be done. Once again, the tears started flowing. 5 hours later when Marcel showed up I felt like all he wanted to say was “I told you so”. He’s been suggesting for months that I need back surgery. I just don’t want it so it’s not something that I even wanted to consider. Now it’s out there on the table and there’s nothing I can do about it. Basically physical therapy hasn’t been useful since it has nothing to do with my muscles.

I called the Neurosurgeon this morning to try and make an appointment. That’s the doctor that will tell me yes or no to surgery. I won’t even be able to find out until Wednesday when I can get the appointment. His secretary was really annoying too. I was trying to fill her in and her main concern was rushing me off the phone.

I can’t stop crying. I’ve lot count just of today’s times. It’s not even always from the pain. I’m getting used to that again. I’m just thinking about what could have been and what might have to happen. I’m 28 and I might need to have back surgery. I don’t want back surgery. How is this going to effect me for the rest of my life. I would like to have a child. Am I going to be able to carry a child or will this injury prevent it. I have a boyfriend that I would like to marry, but if something goes wrong, is he really going to want to be stuck with a cripple for the rest of his life. I’m not even supposed to bend over or pick up anything right now. I’m missing work. I’m useless around the house, I can’t even play with my dog without wanting to scream. And now to top if off I don’t sleep. I can’t sleep. Before I could at least take meletonin or something to help, now I just can’t. The longest I will sleep is an hour, then I wake up and lay there for a while, then I’ll sleep for about 30 or 45 minutes then wake up again. I’m functioning on about 3 hours of sleep a day. I don’t know if it’s the pain or the medicine.

I thought I was stronger then this. I’m annoying myself with all my tears. I’m trying not to annoy Marcel. He’s the one that’s going to have to deal with things if I do need surgery. I’ll be bothering him enough then. Ok here come the tears again. I’m done for now.